Die Deutsche Version folgt eventuell. Derzeit hab ich keine Energie zum Übersetzen.
I’ve been thinkin‘ an awful lot lately. And as anyone who’s been there knows: thinkin’ always gets you into trouble.
My subject was time itself and how it manages not only to be completely relative but entirely subjective, too. Time varies, that’s something everyone has experienced. A moment of stress goes by far slower than a moment of joy. But with our view we can change time itself to our benefit.
You can focus solely on your future and with that yesterday’s already years gone. Today is just a step to get to your goal, tomorrow. Focus on your past and, well, you’re pretty much screwed. You see the things you can never experience again over and over. Trying to relive the moments that made your life worth living. Every today being just another step away from those times and every tomorrow becoming a horrifying image of you getting old and dying.
I’m in a state of living for today, which isn’t so bad if you manage it right. Everything becomes more intense, it’s new and fresh because it’s never been there in that exact constellation. Yesterday is years behind you and tomorrow might never exist, so you can see, taste, hear and smell everything to the fullest.
But in the last couple of minutes, hours, days or years - it really doesn’t matter that much - I’ve lost track. I’ve became incapable of managing my style of living correctly. It’s become stale and repetitive.
And because tomorrow might never come it’s useless to plan anything more than going to some places, some time where some things might happen. And because yesterday’s already years behind me I can’t even tell how long it’s been since I was truly happy. I can’t even remember if it really happened. It might’ve been just a dream all along.
I’m not living in a nightmare where nothing good ever seems to happen, I’m living in a dream where nothing real ever seems to happen.
I find something one day. Something that really pushes me, really helps me, really makes me live and, more important, something that really makes me want to live, but then I go to sleep and the next day it just vanished. It’s gone. I’m dying to find it again, but I can’t. This ain’t living anymore; it’s just waiting till I finally drop dead.
On the other hand bad thing vanish, too. There might be an incident that manages to hurt me deeply, so deep I didn’t even know I could feel that intense anymore, and then the next morning; it’s just the next morning. Nothing bad happened, nothing bad’ll be remembered. Well, maybe the memory’ll still be there, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. It just died off.
But I’m worried that that’s what’s happening to me, too. That I’m just dying off till there’s nothing left but an empty shell. Now, when I’m trying to cope with any feeling my chest starts to hurt pretty badly and my head goes numb. It’s like my mind, my heart, my soul or whatever you wanna call it starts bleeding and the blood blurs my vision so I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.
I’m fucking scared out of my skull that I’ll do or say something totally stupid in that state of mind. I don’t trust me anymore. Again the only things that’re stopping me from going full circle with madness are the promise I made years ago and the fear that I might hurt the two people I really care about. If I’d just let go I’m pretty sure I’d fuck me up so badly that I might never regain any kind of normal thinking consciousness; whatever that means by today’s standards.
The only things that remain constant in this endless time stream are my feelings towards Chris. I miss him. I really freaking do. He’d know what to do. I’ve learned everything I know from him and I still can’t live on my own. But I can’t think about him too long, because I know it’s only amplifying my urge to leave, so I can maybe see him again.
I’ve once again realized far too late what I had and I didn’t appreciate it enough. I’m telling myself that he wouldn’t want me to cry. That he’d want me to remember the good times. But truth be told, I’ve got no fucking idea how I should go on without him. I am crying, but it doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything.
Later today I’ll go to bed and all this will be years behind me, with the exception of my feelings for him. With this text being the only evidence it ever really happened and that it’s not just some illusion my mind made up to drive me insane.
Life only happens in a spot in time, that’s not moving anywhere. I’m stranded, with sea surrounding me as far as I can see. I don’t know how long it’s been here and I don’t wanna know how much longer it’s going to be that way.
I’m just tired.
So tired…
